Skoro niepotrzebujesz translatora:
1. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
"Multilingual".
What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
"Bilingual".
What do you call someone who speaks one language?
"An American".
2. An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. "Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."
The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."
3. A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".
"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.
"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"
"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"
"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?"
The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.' "
4. How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
5. An American presidential election features four candidates. One advocates negotiating new and more extensive arms control treaties, one wants to set up new programs for elementary scools, one wants to end all taxation and set up extra printing presses to print the money to pay the government's debts, and one advocates invading Mexico "to finish what we should have done in 1846". The one concerned about arms control smoked marijuana in college, the one concerned about education has a brother with connections to organized crime, the one with the innovative fiscal policies is a minister, and the imperialist has been charged with drunk driving five times. So which one wins the election?
The one who's never been accused of adultery.
6. When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
7. Three recently deceased persons, a Brit, a Russian, and an American, are making their way down to Hell. Each is carrying something with him: The Brit is carrying a shovel, the Russian is carrying an extra pair of shoes, and the American is carrying some cans of liquid. As they trudge along, the American asks his comrades why they're carrying the things they are.
The Brit responds, "Well, sir, I know the Devil keeps it awfully hot in Hell, and he makes blokes like us shovel coal to keep it that way. I was always fond of this particular shovel when I worked in the mines back home, so I brought it along for the job."
The Russian responds, "Like our comrade says, it's awfully hot in Hell. These shoes have thick soles that protected me from the ice and snow of Siberia, and I'm hoping that they can save my feet from the hot ground on which we'll be toiling for eternity."
The American puts down his cans and says in disbelief, "If it's as hot in Hell as you fellows say, then do you mean I'm not going to be able to get ice for my Coca-Cola?"
8. An American attending a formal ceremony in Britain listens as the formalities end with the singing of "God Save the Queen". As a reception begins afterwards, he strolls up to one of his British acquaintances and accosts her with a musical observation.
"That was a very nice song you folks just sang, but it wasn't very inventive of you to use that particular tune."
The Brit looks at him quizically and asks. "What do you mean? That's always been "God Save the Queen."
"Well," the American replied, "I guess you Brits don't even realize how much you owe us Americans. The words were new, but that tune was clearly plagiarized from our "My Country, 'Tis of Thee".
9. What do you call a person who professionally generates maps of the world?
A cartographer.
What do you call an academician who studies the global distribution of resources or cultural characteristics?
A geographer.
What do you call a person who is ignorant of global geography?
An American.
I NA KONIEC NAJLEPSZE NR. 10 I DO TEGO ZDARZYLO SIE NAPRAWDE:
The following is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
